Why Boundaries Don’t Work - And What Does

The title of this post might be triggering for some. I get it. And what I’m sharing here is my awareness, and may not be yours. I ask for you to read with an open mind and heart, allow what may be true for you to sink in, and just discard the rest.

You’ve probably read or heard a lot about boundaries. Usually people talk about emotional boundaries, to keep ourselves safe emotionally. This includes setting clear guildelines for what behavior we will or won’t accept from other people.

Then there are physical, sexual, and spiritual boundaries. Again, designed to keep us safe in those areas.

Have you ever set a boundary with someone like a partner or a child (i.e. “I won’t allow you to talk to me like that”) and then they continued? And then you set the boundary again - and they continued?

Have you ever waited and waited for someone to change, to meet your needs, to honor your boundaries, to make everything ok for you?

Have you noticed that many times when boundaries are created, that walls and barriers, sometimes even armor starts to build up as well?

Have you ever set a boundary with YOURSELF and not honored it?

The Role of the VVR

In my experience, we must hold the template for the VVR (victim, victimizer, rescuer) for boundaries to be a tool in our relationships with others and even ourselves.

In other words, does an Infinite Being require someone else to modify their behavior for us to feel safe? For us to BE safe?

And if that person doesn’t change their behavior and we keep setting boundaries, and they keep mowing over them, what then?

I used to set boundaries over and over, and they continually were run over. Then, because of the compassionate being that I was (and the fearful, conflict-avoidant being that I was) I would forgive and reset, restate, and get ready to enforce the boundary again. Exhausting.

And in this cycle, I could reinforce that I was being victimized. That I was somehow not powerful, not potent. Or that something must be wrong with the other person, that they just can’t do what I need them to do. Or that I must not be worth them changing.

Regardless, I was relying on them to change for me to be ok.

Control and Manipulation

Many people use boundaries to attempt to control people, to attempt to manipulate their behavior, their very Being, to be more of what they need that person to be. They can also be a way to create walls and barriers. Sometimes boundaries are used to anchor a superior/inferior positional relationship.

Boundaries Don’t Work

Boundaries don’t work. All someone has to do is walk right over that imaginary line that we created and said that they can not cross, under any circumstances. And boom. They crossed it.

We forgive, they cross it again. We forgive, and the cycle continues.

Is anyone getting what they truly desire in this scenario? Is anyone raising their level of consciousness and becoming more authentically themselves?

What Does Work?

In my awareness: CHOICE.

When we’re setting boundaries, we’re reliant on other people to change or meet our needs.

When we’re in choice, we can clearly communicate what’s ok with us and what’s not - but then the responsibility is OURS. Not anyone elses.

Have you ever waited and waited for someone to change, to meet your needs, to honor your boundaries, to make everything ok for you? Are you still waiting?

Or have they done it, but you’re subconsciously waiting to be let down, surprised, or disappointed?

Activating the Potency of Choice

Once we notice that setting boundaries hasn’t worked the way we hoped it would, we can consciously activate the potency of choice. In my world, this means asking questions to open up the energy of choice and allow what expands beyond that.

For example, if I’m experiencing something I’m not enjoying with my partner, I can let him know how it’s impacting me. I can share my experience without blaming or VVR’ing. And I get to ask myself the questions,

“What’s beyond this? What’s beyond this trigger? What’s beyond this reaction? What else is possible? What’s my knowing?”

and then the biggies:

“What’s my choice? What am I choosing?”

These questions open up the energy while also taking the focus off of what I won’t or will allow in my life (which is focus on the other person and their behavior). Bringing my awareness to myself, my knowing, my choices, my possibilities.

The other person can honor my asks, or not, and either way, I get to make a choice.

Nothing’s Wrong With You

If you’ve been setting boundaries and still not experiencing life the way you’d enjoy it - there’s nothing wrong with you. You’ve just been employing a strategy that pressurizes relationships and can bring the VVR or a parent/child template into the mix.

What if you chose choice, chose you? There’s an incredible freedom in no longer waiting or even wanting someone else to please you, instead swimming in the radiance and vitality that’s available when you’re in the energy of the question, in the energy of choice.